After that short-lived conversation we had in Hawaii last Christmas, I wanted to write you this.
I believe I have lived long enough be able to share my thoughts of where my faith exists and how I resolved as to what it is. I believe, too, that since you are all your own independent people, extraordinary at that with strong minds and good hearts, you will have the patience to hear me, my rumblings, I mean. Lol
Like you, I have questioned what this is all about. Faith. The precious journey and where it ends if it ends. Time. The passing of time. I searched until I came to a place where I can embrace all these in my own way.
Here are some of my ponderings. I know I am far from being a scholar. I never read deep into the sciences and evolution, into philosophy, the annals of history nor have I put my wherewithal to the test to know what it takes to educate a young mind like you all did in the most extraordinary way.
What do I have
At 62, what I have is time past, my share of far-flung places and faces bearing stories of time, life unfolding in thousands of my days past. No unwanted passing. No gift of life I was not most grateful for.
What I have is my own time where I have observed, participated and learned most passionately, loved most dearly and seized each moment as though my life depended on it.
Do I know how my faith looks like
In all this time, undoubtedly, whether I know it or not, it is my faith that has kept the fire for life and love alive in me. As I doubted, got knocked down, failed, made mistakes, became very fearful, my faith gave me strength, the peace, the enlightenment, the guidance and the wisdom of how it all works out. This is especially true when all else fails, when there is no light at the end of the tunnel and my resolve is weakening. It is my faith that has put things in perspective - that difficulties are meant to prepare, to strengthen for greater things to come. Like the malleability of iron going through fire to become its strongest, most beautiful and greatest being for what it’s meant to be.
My faith makes me understand that all I can do is to be grateful for the many gifts I am given, keep on doing my best, continue to see the good in life, love to the fullest and then trust. Trust that my Creator is looking out for me and that He does things in His own time. Only He knows the end. I simply had to believe. In myself. In my loved ones. The goodness of life. The world and, most especially, in Him.
Your Lola used to say when I worry too much that if, after doing my best, I still worry, then, my faith is not strong enough. This is the time when I have to believe, trust and surrender everything to Him.
How do I know about my Creator
Like you, I thought hard and asked the critical question in my mind to find my peace in my faith. Elusive as peace was, peace descended upon me when I came face-to-face with the humility of my limited ability to understand my being and my faith.
It was when I realized that if my Creator is a God, then, how can I understand Him with my limited human mind? How can I understand the complexity and beauty of how our body works, our mind, our spirit, our emotions and forces around us? Where did it all start without a God? Who could have created the birth of life in the manner that we are born? The birth of a thought? An emotion? A premonition? Consciousness and perception? (I don’t know enough about biology, psychology, neuroscience, linguistics, et.al. to tell me what’s beyond the physicality of our being.) For me, it cannot be a great coincidence of how things work perfectly. It can only be a great design by a Creator, a God.
Once I accepted my human limitation, I began to simply experience the awe, the wonder of life and the world and revel in anticipation of the time when I get a glimpse of the mind of God where I exist. I simply refuse to believe that we are not beyond our physical bodies. We are too great of a creation to simply be made of matter, to be reduced to no more than a handful of ashes at the end.
What is my faith
Further, I was able to simply let my faith bridge the gap between the knowledge I have and my experience of exhilaration in beauty and mystery around me especially of what I can’t touch or understand.
In doing so, I experience that if you have the keen eye in your spirit, the love and goodness in your heart to appreciate and give back to the beauty that is life within you and around you, then faith rises inside of you. You experience the golden silence and the unknowable wisdom of what and who you are and how you came to be and where you are going beyond the ashes that your body will become. Only in the total acceptance of the mystery and beauty of life will you be grounded by this indescribable faith. One that descends upon you and fills the void as you skate and weave the days of dark and bright of time. All the answer to the mystery of you will rise in your being . Without uttering a single word except of the uttermost joy and gratitude of seeing the glimpse of Light in the Eye of the Creator.
This is my faith. I can’t touch it or see it but I believe and trust and it has carried me afloat in my time in this world. It is the fire that enables me to enjoy the value of my existence - my gifts, my loved ones, my time - including doing good for others and the world. You are the best part of my world and I am most deeply grateful for the gift of all you. I love you Emily, Nina and Jacob in the most intense and deepest way a mother can ever love her children. It is truly a beautiful life.
Loveprayers, Your mom
Extra P.S. (can’t help it - too many words)
Each step I take to fuse with my star and be my best, I am strengthened by that one faith that fills me up like the light of day, the ripples of waves in the ocean, the ebb and flow of tides in the moonlight, loved ones that need no reason for being, the euphoria of wisdom and boundless hope. Only then can I revel in the anticipation of each moment that brings me closer to my Creator.”